Q&A: Iris Caltwait’s ‘Again, for the first time’ Seeks Answers by Returning to Her Inner Child
INTERVIEW
INTERVIEW
☆ BY IVONA HOMICIANU ☆
Photo By Bertine Monsen
‘AGAIN, FOR THE FIRST TIME’ RETURNS TO THE BEGINNING IN THE MIDST OF BECOMING AN ADULT—For Iris Caltwait, this album is an archeological return to her child self as she searches for answers for the grief and difficulties experienced. Within her songwriting, Caltwait stresses the importance of being attentive to mental health and allowing the space to heal.
The Norwegian artist began her career under the name iris, where she released her debut album love and other disasters. In the four years leading to Again, for the first time, she went through life-changing events that shaped the person she became. The unraveling took a closer look at what made her in the first place, and prompted her reinvention under the name Iris Caltwait.
The album begins with an interlude titled “...har dur problemer?” which translates to “do you have problems?” The introduction represents what is about to ensue; with presence of the laugh and voice of a young child, supposedly Caltwait herself, she retraces her steps back to her family archives as she begins her journey of reconnecting to her inner child.
As she rewinds the tape, “i remember” highlights a moment of carefree youth. She compares her present self to that past version of who she was. Her interpretation is emotive and ends with “I wasn’t stuck like I am in this town where I’m from” and another home video spoken part. She transitions into “i’m in the corner, alone” by taking a deep breath. The lyrics refer to the numbness of depression, as she asks the people around her to give her the courtesy of letting her heal on her own.
“honey, baby” takes on an interesting production. It begins slowly and builds on the tension of the picture she’s painting, ending in a cathartic guitar part and angelic vocals. “these are hard times (Say The Words!)” sees the demise of a relationship and difficulty of being the one to initiate the end. Caltwait’s soft voice fits perfectly with the delicate nature of the subject. The following track, “PINHOLE,” is stripped back as she delves further into the issue.
“When I was little, I wasn’t afraid to get angry. Now, I’ve had to relearn getting mad, and had to reconnect with indignation.”
Part of discovering herself includes expressing the anger that surrounds a betrayal from a friend in “Serpentine.” There is a closure in the middle of the album with “this is the place.” as she reflects back on a meaningful relationship that she can’t forget. The loss of a relationship isn’t all she grieves on this album—“Dragonfly” was inspired by her late grandmother, a beautiful tribute to the love she carries. The emotional track settles within and inflates with magic with each second.
“rodeo” continues the profession of love, the force that moves forward the artist. She sees the risk of heartache, but she still decides to lean into love. “Spring Rush (a hot platonic subatomic crush)” is on the brighter side as the song explores an expanding production to describe a crush on a friend. “shaky” begins with guitar strings and quiet vocals, then becomes grandiose as it mirrors the intensity of memories. The lyrics and the return to slowness in the end impart relief at the expression of emotions.
On the last track, “Alchemy (Living Is Not For The Heart),” Caltwait takes all the lessons she’s learned throughout this journey back to herself. Again, for the first time asks the listener to consider their present self from the perspective of who they were and practice forgiveness towards themselves. It highlights Caltwait’s unique voice and sound, with a cohesive line that runs through the project. In the end, the album instills hope and light towards those who need it most.
Photo By Bertine Monsen
LUNA: Congratulations on your album! All the titles of the songs on the album are in English, except for the first one. Was it important for you to have a Norwegian touch and could you tell us more about the song?
CALTWAIT: The first song is actually the intro of the second song. They used to be one, and that track used to be even longer and have a second part, but then I kept cutting in it. The first track is in Norwegian, and it's “... har du problemer?”, which means, “do you have problems?” All the things that are being said in the song are from home video archives that my parents would film when my siblings and I were small. Since this album is very personal, it's me figuring out how to stand on both feet in my life and on this earth… I feel like going backwards, reconnecting with me, was a part of that process. My family, they are my pillars, they are my everything, so it made sense. I wanted them in that.
LUNA: It makes so much sense when you say that it was the introduction to the second song because it fits so well with the transition into “I remember,” and just the fact that you can tell it's from a home video, going into a song called “I remember,” it's very poetic. You released this song along with “I'm in the corner alone.” They also follow each other on the track list. How do they fit into each other?
CALTWAIT: One way they are connected is that they were written around the same time. It also reflects the mindset I was in. They both have this disconnect to everything. “I remember” is mostly me painting a picture of how I wished it was, and “i’m in the corner alone,” I'm very disconnected to everything around me and begging that if anyone sees it, let me be in my my corner, and let me be so far away from myself and I promise you, I'm doing great in a way there. It has the same feeling for me.
LUNA: What was the inspiration for “i'm in the corner alone”? I feel like it talks of a state of mind that a lot of people go through.
CALTWAIT: It was such a weird time in in my life where I was feeling very flat in a way, but at the same time it was a lot of chaos, so the way I could cope with it was, of course, professional help, but also constant distractions with screens, or a lot of Sudoku. I was doing so many puzzle pieces, and I would get super fixated on it, and at the same time I was like, “I know what's good for me.” I needed to be around people, but I felt the need to isolate myself. I struggled with trusting who I am and who other people are, and I couldn't find an intent. Questions of what I was going to bring into a room, and I felt like I was always saying weird stuff, or because I was half in a screen, half in the moment, things like these. At the same time, I felt like I was on the right path. So I was like, “Okay, this is just who I am right now. I am listening to a podcast while I'm playing a game and doing multiple things at the same time to just keep the noise away.” That's how I can explain it and I do think a lot of people do that, constantly doomscrolling or doing all these things. And then hours pass and you're like, I got through the day.
LUNA: There's an interesting blend of genres in the album, which I've noticed especially in “honey baby.” it goes from a slow ballad to pop to rock in the end. It's such a journey there. How involved are you with the production side of the songs?
CALTWAIT: Very much. For this album, I am credited as producer on all songs, even though there are few songs where I've actually pressed the buttons. There are some songs where I play guitar, or where I made a demo, but it's been very tight collaboration with different producers, mostly with Ashley, who is the executive, but I know I'm a control freak. I pay so much attention to the details and I know exactly what I want. I’m very involved with the mixing and all of this that I feel like I am [a producer] in a sense. In the old days, I would be considered a producer, even though that doesn't mean that all the ideas come from me. It's still a collaboration. It's the main producer, and then I'm a part of the brain in a way.
LUNA: In “these are hard times,” you say, “I have a strong premonition that life isn't meant for those who can't handle the fire.” What made you think of that line in particular, of that sentiment?
CALTWAIT: That's connected to the entire core of this album. The core of the album is “Alchemy,” which is living is not art, meaning that everything is so intense, but when “Alchemy” comes it’s more like a hug. You don't have to always cope better or become better at handling life. Maybe this is the way you're supposed to fall apart right now. That's not a failure, however you cope with things. It's a part of your process. In “hard times,” it was the first real single from the album and I feel like everything up to “Alchemy” are just different situations and things I think about. With the strong premonition line, it's the feeling that you're in a situation and maybe you're supposed to have that conversation that is difficult, but then you end up being too scared to do it. That feeling that you’re too weak to do these things so you have to be able to stand in the difficult things. And if you can't, then you won't be able to live your life as fully.
LUNA: I appreciate the way you speak about going through difficult times. I feel like a lot of people when they go through hard times, when they think back, they don't really offer compassion and kindness to their past self. I feel like you really do that and it’s very comforting to hear it. We really tend to be very hard on ourselves and expect to be at our best the whole time; and if we're not, why are we not? We're aware that we're not doing good, but why are we not doing good, it's a whole spiral.
CALTWAIT: It's been a process of doing that. One thing that I learned in all this process is that I really wanted to be free of all of that and forgive myself. Forgive myself for coping badly and all the things in the past. I just couldn't find a way to forgive myself, then someone told me that maybe the goal isn't forgiveness, like you focus so much on that end goal of forgiveness that you want to step over the dead body and not even do the proper work. Forgiveness is not where you're going to end up, just understanding if you show grace to yourself, and I can understand that, you did your best. It's okay.
LUNA: Congratulations on your latest single, “Serpentine.” I love what you said about it, that you had to relearn getting mad. Could you talk more about that?
CALTWAIT: Yeah, just writing that song for me was a part of being mad in a way, or just being able to see something that's like, “This is my experience, and you might not like it or agree, but it's what happened to me in my life.” When that whole story happened, I remember I called my sister, who I am very close with, I was talking with her, and one thing that she said was, “Please just get mad. I hope you get mad. Get angry. This is not okay.” And I just felt my entire body get mad. I truly believe that no one does anything to be mean. If no one does anything to be mean, why would I be angry with them? Because then they didn't mean it, but sometimes, even if it's an accident, you're allowed. I didn't like that. That's about protecting yourself. It's not about yelling at people just to yell at them. It was very uncomfortable for me to even insinuate that someone did something wrong.
LUNA: It's really difficult to reconcile the image we had of someone when they make a mistake. It's like, “I know them, and I know they wouldn't do that, or so I thought.”
CALTWAIT: Then you want to believe that you didn't make a mistake, you didn't trust the wrong person, but sometimes you do, and that doesn't make them an evil person but a person that's harmful for you, can be a dangerous person for me to be around. That's okay, it doesn't have to be personal in them, but within me.
LUNA: At the end of the single, you repeat, “Call a neuroscientist, I just got Judas kissed.” What did you intend with those lines?
CALTWAIT: That's one thing that I myself love about this album and the lyrics is that the themes are quite heavy, and there have been hard times, but I needed to make it light. It feels a bit goofy, almost to be like, “Oh, call this brain doctor, because I’m afraid” and this is what I mean with it. It's that betrayal. It felt like it altered my brain. The world around me became scarier. I felt like I didn't know myself, so it felt like I actually lost something, so I needed a brain doctor too.
LUNA: Some things really have an influence on us and the way we view the world afterwards. “Spring Rush (a hot platonic subatomic crush)” has such a distinct sound, how was the process of getting to that result?
CALTWAIT: That was a journey. I had so many doubts about that song, because it's more of a happy song and I'm not so comfortable in happy songs. I think whenever there's something really good, like pure happiness happening, you can't really capture it. When you capture it, you kind of lose it, but when it's something painful, you write it out of your body. With happiness, I don't want to write it out of my body. I want to keep it, but I'm learning to write happy songs. That was fun just being in the studio. We have scratching, and all the words feel playful, and I’m screaming in the backing vocals, it was very a playful process. When I was putting it on the album, I was like, “Oh sh*t, it doesn't fit in. It really sticks out.” But it was important because it was a part of my getting back to myself. I feel like I am a bubbly person, and I am also happy. I'm not only sad. It was important to have it.
We met many rounds and tried to take away the guitars. I didn't want it to be too pop. I wanted to have a retro strange feeling to it. At one point I felt we were about to lose completely what it was, so we went back to the guitar, but had some synths somewhere in the middle. At one point, you have to commit and trust that… “Okay, but you know what? It's one out of 1000 songs we're gonna write. Do you like it or not?” And then, I do like it and I could work on this song for 10 more years, if I wanted to.
LUNA: How did you come up with the phrase “a hot platonic subatomic crush”?
CALTWAIT: I don't know exactly how we ended up there, but we worked a lot with the melodies and we had that kind of thing. I was like, “We need to have some tasteful words.” I was just talking about that when the chorus is like, “I'll take your paths off” and all of this, it's very important that it's a platonic thing. It's not like an actual thing. We were just searching for words and we ended up on that.
LUNA: How does Again, for the first time differ from your previous projects?
CALTWAIT: Good question. I think the way I write is very personal. Every project I do is a time capsule of that time. It differs that this is the longest project I've had. The other projects were very quick and this took me almost three years to finish. I've changed so many times during that process, so I think that also affects it. With several songs that suddenly explode or become something else, we have that in “honey, baby” and “shaky” and “THROW ALL THAT LOVE AWAY.” There's a bit of chaos in it, but it still feels more grown up than the previous. It's more defined, but still has the chaos that is me. It's hard because I'm so within the project, so sometimes it's hard for me to say, “What's the difference?” I'm just following my path in a way.
LUNA: What track are you most excited for people to discover?
CALTWAIT: Oh, can I say three? I have a top three that I'm really excited about, and that's “Alchemy” and “shaky” and “put me in the backseat.”
LUNA: Lastly, what are you most excited for this new chapter of your career?
CALTWAIT: I just hope it can continue. I'm really excited about playing live. I'm really grateful that I'm older because now I feel more secure in playing live and releasing more music. I'm really curious if people are gonna like it. Sometimes you release music and it is a drop in the ocean, and then you can get a message from the Philippines and then there's someone in the Philippines that has heard it and understands it. If you talk to someone and they say, “I actually went through the exact same thing.” Those things I'm really excited about, and also I'm writing new music now, so that's fun. A lot of things I love, everything.
