Q&A: Madilyn Mei’s Circus Presents a Whole Lot of Heart
INTERVIEW
INTERVIEW
☆ BY GIGI KANG ☆
Photo By Emily Minerowicz
CLOWNS, WHIMSY, AND BRIGHT COLORS—make up the world that alt-pop artist Madilyn Mei created for their new album A Thousand Songs About It All: Act I, released on September 12.
The album cover presents a clown Mei has named Elioli. The 12 tracks integrate the classic energetic, marching tempo you may expect to hear at a carnival. Mei will even be dressed as Elioli for every show of their One Man Circus tour.
Often, underneath the extravaganza and the spectacle lies a grappling with truths that aren’t so jolly. In Mei’s case, it’s gender dysphoria, alienation, burnout, and growing up.
A lyric that stands out is “I’ve been living alone / Tryna make home in myself again” which Mei sings on the 10th track “At Least I’d Be A Cowboy!” It encapsulates the journey of finding acceptance in oneself before hoping for it from others. A Thousand Songs About It All: Act I is a radical act of self-acceptance because it brings to the surface both the turmoil and satisfaction of finding understanding in oneself.
“I’m finally free to explore who I am, and I’m only at the start of truly unpacking these feelings,” Mei shares.
On the opening track, Mei expresses the incomparable relationship an artist holds with their fans, singing, “I hate it ‘till I play it up on stage and see your faces.” On the same song, Mei sings, “I know what they say ‘bout bright flames / Gonna burn out.” While the song depicts the safety an artist feels in their musical community, it also reveals the pressures that come with the career.
“It’s about the dichotomy of how well my career has been going while my mental health and personal life have been deteriorating at the same time,” Mei shares. “It’s about burnout, the pressures I feel both in music and my personal life, identity, mental health, family, and the overall life and feelings of a touring 22-year-old queer musician trying to find their place in the world.”
Read our conversation with Mei below.
Photo By Emily Minerowicz
LUNA: I like how the clown imagery can equally be something to hide behind and something to fully lean into as you present the parts of yourself that feel the most unique. How has this concept allowed you to express the intentions behind the album?
MEI: A big theme in the album is gender dysphoria, feeling foolish, and feeling different from others. The character, named Elioli, being a clown just made sense. I express throughout the songs that it feels like others perceive me as a clown because of my queer identity and for going by a chosen name. Elioli is also supposed to represent the persona I put out online and onstage, so him also being a puppet represents how I often feel like a puppeteer to myself, yanking at my own strings to keep moving forward, even when I’m really burnt out.
LUNA: Feeling like a “One Man Circus” can be very empowering but also lonely. How do you encourage yourself to keep going in the tough moments?
MEI: I can be quite stubborn when I think I’m right! It was fun to write a song with a sort of immature and overly confident tone to express what some might perceive as a superpower and others might perceive as my kryptonite. When it gets tough, I often have to remind myself that it’s okay to rely on others and to accept help.
LUNA: Navigating identity is a major theme on the album. With every new project that you complete, do you learn new things about yourself or your identity through the creation process?
MEI: Definitely! My journey with identity is ongoing, but it’s so freeing to finally be really open about my queerness. For so long, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to because of my living situation. Through releasing this album, I’ve learned that I don’t need to have a label to describe exactly how I feel. I’ve seen others relate to the feelings I’ve expressed despite the hints of uncertainty of what it all means. I’m finally free to explore who I am, and I’m only at the start of truly unpacking these feelings. It’s nice knowing that I don’t have to have all the answers to honestly and openly express how I feel at this point in my journey.
LUNA: My favorite lyric on the album is “I hate it ‘till I play it up on stage and see your faces.” What role does your community play in the musical decisions you make?
MEI: I’m always wondering what people will think of my music, during and after writing it, but I push myself to be as honest as possible anyway. It’s been scary putting so much of myself out there. No one likes to be judged. I find that I overthink a lot more than I need to. My audience always responds really well and even sees themselves in my lyrics so deeply. It makes for a really fun and special live show. Hearing a crowded room of people from all walks of life shout the lyrics I was so afraid to share is so healing. Feeling united with people through music brings me immense joy, and knowing that I’m not alone in the feelings that inspired my songs alleviates so much of the loneliness I felt while writing in the first place.
LUNA: You’re starting tour in September! What have you planned that listeners can look forward to?
MEI: I’m planning on holding an album signing meet and greet at a record store in Austin, yet to be announced. I also like to go out before or after the shows to say hi to people when I have the time and energy, so I plan on doing that here and there. I love connecting with my audience every chance I can get.
I also designed a really cool set for the stage that follows the puppet/puppeteer aspect of my album, so I’m super excited to see that vision come to life during the shows. I’ve told my listeners I will be dressed as Elioli the puppet clown from my album art for every show, and many people are planning their own circus or clown costumes as well. I love seeing how creative everyone is in what they come up with. I hope each show feels like one big circus—I have a feeling it will!
