Q&A: fanclubwallet’s ‘Living While Dying’ Makes Peace With the Blur Between Living and Surviving
INTERVIEW
INTERVIEW
☆ BY SHEVON GREENE ☆
Photo by Cole Yearwood
LIVING WHILE DYING BEGAN AS A HALF-REMEMBERED TUMBLR POST—maybe a dream, maybe a vision. For Hannah Judge, the Ottawa musician behind fanclubwallet, the phrase became a mantra through illness, recovery, and everything in between. On her sophomore album Living While Dying (out October 24 via Lauren Records), Judge transforms the silent pain of isolation into something bright and alive. Half written while sick with Crohn’s disease and half during a return to normalcy, the record is balanced between exhaustion and euphoria. It’s a world full of haunted houses and liminal spaces which are metaphors for the body and its fragility, brought to life through jangly guitars, dinky keyboards, and the offbeat humor that truly defines Judge’s songwriting.
There’s a bit of darkness in songs like “Guts” and restless anxiety in “Do You Hate Me?,” but it’s balanced by the levity of “Me Time” and the breezy experimentation that happens when community takes over the studio.
We sat down with Judge to talk about ghosts, chronic illness, and finding joy in the small moments. Read below for more.
Photo by Cole Yearwood
LUNA: I love the title Living While Dying. It has this sense of bluntness, but it’s also strangely comforting. When did that phrase first come to you, and what did it mean then versus what it means now that the record’s done?
JUDGE: I think I saw something on Tumblr about living with a chronic illness, and it said “living while dying.” I was like, wait, that’s so real. I remember writing it down. I’ve been trying to find that post for years; I still can’t. Maybe I dreamt it up. But it really resonated: that idea of being stuck in this middle place where you can’t do anything, but you’re still living through it, even when it feels like you’re basically dead inside.
LUNA: It’s so cool that you might’ve found it from a Tumblr post but can’t find it now—maybe it was like a vision or a dream.
JUDGE: Yeah, maybe it did come to me in a dream.
LUNA: Has the meaning of it changed now that the record’s done, or is it still that same perspective?
JUDGE: I think it’s the same perspective. I’m definitely in a better place now, but the feeling’s still real. And I’m sure I’ll be back there someday.
LUNA: A lot of imagery on this album—ghosts, haunted houses, liminal spaces—feels like metaphors for the body and isolation. Were you consciously building that world as you wrote, or did it reveal itself over time?
JUDGE: It kind of just revealed itself. I was dealing with a lot of isolation, and that’s what I was seeing around me. I’ve always really liked spooky, haunted things. The album doesn’t sound spooky or haunted at all, but that’s kind of classic me.
LUNA: It’s always cool when the world-building comes naturally, and you realize it later on. You’ve mentioned Twin Peaks and Fargo as visual touchpoints. So if Living While Dying were its own weird little film, what would the opening scene look like?
JUDGE: Oh my god, that’s such a good question. I think the opening scene would be kind of like Donnie Darko. There’s a scene where he’s in his pajamas walking down the street at night, and it’s eerie. I think I’d be in the middle of the street at 3 a.m. in my pajamas, like, “How did I get here?”
LUNA: Love it. Half of the album came from being really sick, and half came from feeling healthy again. Did you notice the sound or mood shift between those two halves as you were writing?
JUDGE: Definitely. There’s one song, “Guts,” which I wrote right before finding out I had to get surgery. That was me dealing with the idea that they were going to cut me open, which felt insane. It’s probably the darkest song on the album. Then songs like “Me Time” and “New Distraction” came after, and those are much more upbeat and summery. The lyrics are still kind of sad, but I was coming at it from a different place.
LUNA: Yeah, you can definitely feel that. “Guts” feels like the emotional pinnacle. It’s heavy, but also transformative. “Do You Hate Me?” captures that spiraling inner monologue so well. How do you decide when to let a lyric stay messy and unfiltered versus refining it into something cleaner?
JUDGE: I try not to go over my lyrics more than once or twice. If I change something, it’s usually just swapping out a word that fits better. For “Do You Hate Me?” I was spending so much time alone and away from people that I started to worry everyone hated me—or at least, I felt that way. It’s not a diss track or anything, it’s just me being neurotic [laughs]. At the end of the day, I know no one actually hates me—I hope.
Photo by Cole Yearwood
LUNA: That’s so real. I immediately resonated with that one. You spend time alone and start overthinking every little thing—like, “Did I say that wrong?” or “Do they not like me anymore?” I think a lot of people will relate to that track once the album’s out.
JUDGE: Yeah, and if you told your friends you were thinking that, they’d probably say, “What are you talking about?”
LUNA: Exactly! I’ve been on both ends of that. I’ve overthought things, and I’ve also had friends apologize for something I didn’t even remember. It’s such a universal feeling. So, I’m curious about the musical chemistry in your band. You said it felt like you were sonically talking to each other. What’s a moment on the album where that connection really shows?
JUDGE: I think on songs like “New Distraction” or “Gears.” I didn’t do much of the instrumentation on those—it was really the band. On our previous EP, we were all trying to get our parts in, but this time it was more relaxed. No one cared who contributed what, as long as it sounded good. It all came together so easily. Like on “New Distraction,” I asked Eric [Graham] to do a guitar solo, and he said, “No, you do it.” I was like, “I can’t,” and he said, “Nah, you do it.” I did it, and we all loved it. It just felt chill and effortless, and that song turned out way better than I imagined.
LUNA: It sounds like there was less pressure, just going with what felt right. That’s always the best energy to have.
JUDGE: Yeah, no one was going to be offended if we said, “That part’s not working.”
LUNA: Exactly. I love that kind of openness. Was there a sense of playfulness or experimenting with stranger sounds this time around?
JUDGE: For sure. When we went to Port William Sound to finish the record, we were being so goofy. We were there longer than usual, so we had time to settle in—go on walks, hang out. Michael [Watson] was using a bow on a guitar while wearing a funny hat. We were just playing around. I tried screaming—it didn’t make the final cut—but we experimented a lot. Eric also got obsessed with this one Casio keyboard that sounded so dinky and funny, but it worked perfectly.
LUNA: That’s awesome. I love hearing the backstory behind those sounds and the experimentation that leads to the final version.
JUDGE: Yeah, it was definitely super fun.
LUNA: How did your background in visual art shape how you approached the record? I’m assuming you did the album cover, right?
JUDGE: I actually didn’t! Everyone assumes that. My friend Meredith Smallwood did the art—they also did the first album’s cover. I always try to hire my friends for all the art and merch. People think I do it, but I just love curating the visual world. I think I’m good at picking artists whose style fits with mine, so it still feels personal. Meredith completely understood the vibe—I told them I was inspired by the suburbs and ghosts, and they sent me like thirty options. It was insane.
Album art by Meredith Smallwood
LUNA: I love that. There’s such a sense of community in that approach—collaborating with the people around you.
JUDGE: Yeah, exactly. A lot of musicians bring in new collaborators for each album, but I like bringing in new artists visually.
LUNA: Such a cool form of collaboration. You’ve been open about how Crohn’s disease has shaped your perspective. Do you think living with an illness has changed the way you view time or progress, not just as an artist but as a person?
JUDGE: Definitely. It was devastating to have to stop everything—touring, recording—and just focus on getting better. These songs took way longer than I thought they would. I felt bad at first, but now I’m glad I slowed down. It forced me to be more intentional. I’ve made new connections, refined what I want for the project, and really learned what I care about. It’s okay to slow down.
LUNA: That’s such a good reminder. The industry moves so fast, but there’s value in slowing down and sitting with your work. Even though it wasn’t your choice at first, it seems like it gave you perspective.
JUDGE: Exactly. It used to be normal for artists to take three years to make their next big record.
LUNA: Right? I still feel that way. I’ll listen to an album and think, “I’m good for a few years,” and then they release another one within a year. It’s crazy.
JUDGE: Yeah, it’s cool if you can do that, but it’s wild.
LUNA: After your surgery and that “best summer ever” period, what did joy look like for you?
JUDGE: I found joy in small things—going swimming, taking walks, even sitting in the car and realizing, “My stomach doesn’t hurt right now.” Slowing down taught me to enjoy everything more. I remember going to the grocery store with Michael and saying, “Let’s just walk slow and look at everything.” They were like, “No, we have to go!” It was funny.
LUNA: I love that. It’s nice that slowing down translated into your personal life too—just taking time to appreciate simple moments.
JUDGE: Definitely. I did a lot of just sitting and breathing.
LUNA: It’s necessary sometimes. I wanted to ask about “Am I Being Greedy?” There’s a lyric that says, “I rip out my spine and point to you the problems.” It’s so vivid. Do you ever surprise yourself with how dark or specific your imagery gets?
JUDGE: Yeah, I don’t think about it until someone points it out. I’ve always been into horror and gore, so it comes through. I also make comics where I use dark humor to talk about being sick. For that lyric, I imagined my spine as a teacher’s pointer stick—like, pulling it out and using it to show what’s wrong.
LUNA: That’s incredible. I love how visual that is. It takes a lot of creativity to come up with something that striking. So, what parts of Living While Dying feel like closure, and what parts still feel unresolved?
JUDGE: A lot of it stays unresolved. Having a chronic illness means nothing’s ever fully over. Even after surgery, I still have appointments and flare-ups. Leaving it open-ended felt right. There’ll always be more songs about this; maybe not a whole album, but it’s ongoing. “Me Time” feels like a bit of closure, though. It’s me saying, “I’m done, see you later.”
Photo by Cole Yearwood
LUNA: You’ve always been rooted in your local DIY scene. How does community show up in your music now that things have grown?
JUDGE: I love living [in Ottawa]—it’s always inspiring. Going to local shows, seeing other bands play, or watching Michael produce for someone else always sparks ideas. Like on “Know You Anymore,” Sean from Sorry Snowman came by while they were producing, wrote a riff, and that became the chiptune lead. He didn’t even remember until I sent him the song later.
LUNA: That’s amazing. I love that sense of collaboration. Was there a moment while making this album that reminded you why you started making music in the first place?
JUDGE: Yeah, definitely “Guts.” I had two different halves of an album: one about being sick and one about life and relationships. I was waiting to see which direction would take over. Then I wrote “Guts.” Michael didn’t get it at first, and I showed them “Slip Away” by Perfume Genius. It doesn’t sound like that song at all, but the vibe clicked for both of us. We got excited and started experimenting. That was the moment I thought, “This is why I do this.”
LUNA: I love that. Hearing the background behind these songs adds so much depth. Thank you for sharing all your stories, it’s been amazing to hear.
JUDGE: Yeah, I love talking about the background stuff.
LUNA: Exactly, building the lore. Anything else you want to mention? I know you’ve got a tour coming up. Anything you’re excited about?
JUDGE: Yeah, we’re going on tour soon. I’m nervous but excited. We haven’t toured since I got sick, so I’m a little anxious, but I think it’ll feel really good to get back out there and share the music again. I’m just excited for what’s next.
LUNA: I’m sure your fans are so excited to hear the new songs live, too. I can’t wait to see how it all goes.
